Featured Photo: Photography by Tyler Moncrief @imsoest with The Perfect Heart @oneperfectheart
OH MY GOD! What am I about to do? I have things to do! I have a life to live…how am I going to care for another human being?? I have a PLAN!
Well…that all changed September 16, 2017 when I found out I was pregnant. The night I took that test I’ve never been so afraid in my life and I mean I already have a sweating problem so imagine how sweaty I was that night y’all…YEAH, the anxiety definitely kicked in! The crazy thing is, I didn’t have symptoms of pregnancy…I got a call from my husband that morning telling me to take a pregnancy test because his sister had a dream that I was pregnant (thanks for the prophetic dream Auntie Brit lol). Low and behold… I was and seeing those two lines changed my life and left me with the most difficult decision ever… we are all human and I say that to say we all have thoughts to get away from certain situations especially when we’re afraid…so yes, I thought about a terminating my pregnancy! It’s not something I’m proud of but I’m not ashamed either because I’m HUMAN. But rather I’m thankful because I’m able to share why I made the decision not to and now I can share with other women why I chose to go through with being a mother.
I was afraid for many reasons the number one SELFISH reason was ME…I thought about me first, not my baby. My husband and I had plans to move to LA, I model, I was in the middle of really building my brand, having a baby would mean my time IS GONE…yes, so many of those overwhelming thoughts running through my head. Not only that I was disappointed in myself and I just knew God was punishing my husband and I for being intimate before marriage. Nope! We didn’t wait…what we did was put ourselves in a tempting position KNOWING we had a “thang” for each other and when two people love each other and are attracted to each other you just can’t play with fire. We both grew up in the church, people know us in the “church world”, we both know right from wrong, and we knew the consequences that’ll come from our actions. I didn’t want to have to face the people and I made their opinions of my husband and I a priority in making a decision GOD had already forgiven me for.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds-James 1:2 💛 the scripture my husband closed his eyes and scrolled to the night we found out our big news. It was then my ugly cry stopped and the decision to keep my baby girl happened… I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t have the LOVE and SUPPORT from my awesome hubby…he reassured me that we are in this together. Not only that, we both knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Although, I chose to face it all, I still struggled with accepting it. I can’t tell you all how many times I beat myself up, and I really thought God was mad at me. I found myself extremely depressed, feeling guilty, hurt, more afraid, and I just didn’t feel like my happy self. It was almost like the enemy was able to come in and take over my ENTIRE mind, and I lost all control over who I am. The sad part about it was it affected those around me. My family, my husband and my friends. People were concerned and I just ignored them. I isolated myself and didn’t even care to pray about it either. I didn’t stay in that place though. I held all of my feelings in so no one knew exactly what was wrong with me they just knew something wasn’t right. I kept my feelings to myself but I snapped out of that when I was about 10 weeks. One day I literally just broke down in tears and expressed all the feelings I was feeling.
It’s not always good to bottle your feelings up…you can’t fight through everything alone!
What matters is the right decision you make after you’ve made the wrong decision. When I thought about that and let my mistakes go, and let my feelings out I was able to accept my pregnancy. I felt like a new me and I was able to connect with my little one. The day I TRULY accepted my pregnancy was the day I felt like a MOTHER! My concerns were about my baby, my future was about my baby, and I even started to come up with songs for her. It felt so refreshing because I was back to living! I didn’t feel dead and alone anymore. I didn’t hate myself and most importantly…
I developed a whole NEW FAITH!
I want to give you words of encouragement…
If you are ever feeling lost or feel like you’ve made a mistake just know God has the final say in who you are and where your life will end up (if you let him). I’m not telling you what to do but I’m asking you to consider how God feels about you. Let that be the thing to help you with whatever compromising situation you find yourself in. Think of all that you have overcome, put your walking shoes on and keep walking! I pray that whoever is reading this…if you have a similar situation or struggling with the same thoughts that you take heed and push through! I believe in you and I love you!